Hateful

To (person that you hate)

I hate you. You make me hate your parents for having you, and their parents for having them.

My hate is pure. My hate is absolute. My hate is effervescent. I’m unable to explain why it fits this last adjective, but it does. I cannot deny how truly bubbly and nose-tingling my hate for you is. It is a well-shaken coke bottle of hate which lives deep within me. I hate you more than mayonnaise soaked pickles. You are an abomination in my life.

If my hate had weight, it could be mistaken for Kristie Ally on the cover of star magazine. If my hate had sex, it would sleep with you on the first date, and your friend on the second. A true nymphomaniac dancing with the stars; that’s my hate.

I hope by now it’s become obvious how enormous and unwieldy my hate for you is. In fact, it’s of such vast size as to be practically immeasurable. Or in other words, it is of measurable dimensions, but so big, so huge that the time and effort required to measure it far exceeds the limits of my life, maybe even my children’s lives.

In conclusion, this will probably be my only hate letter to you. I may write again, but fortunately my hate is very short-lived. It’s probably all the weight.

Suck IT
[YOUR NAME HERE]