My Blog~My Resume
June 17, 2011
Resume writing is a tedious task. Whoever decided that we needed a detailed and formatted way to explain ourselves was a LAMETARD. (see I’m working on not using that other offensive word) So here is my new and improved version of the resume.
Doreen Marino
(909)436-****
Jugglies@yahoo.com
Objective: To make enough money to not constantly worry about past due bills and overdraft fees. To get up for work everyday and be excited, to like my co-workers and employers and not be bubbling over with hostility and rage.To feel motivated and challenged.
Life Experiences and skills: I can plan an entire funereal including the reception in one day. I had four immediate family members die in one year, I have honed in on my party planning/funeral arrangement skills. I have also hosted and planned multiple events from birthdays to weddings and everything in between. Multi-tasking also comes easily to me as I have 3 kids and one husband. I can bake a cake, read a book, and play the wii all at the same time. Time management is my bitch, I am never late to work. I juggle art class, physical therapy, errands and nooners with ease. My disposition is generally happy and friendly. However I have been known to go on a bender. I’m extremely creative, such as: my high school boyfriend was a manslut (not to be confused with manwhore, whores get paid) so instead of just breaking up with him, i found the teeny tiniest gay pride bumper sticker and stuck it right above his license plate on his truck. It just so happened that this homophobic dilhole went to an all boys school. I am pretty sure that he drove around for at least a week until he noticed. CREATIVE. I’m an avid self starter, it helps motivate, or at least my husband likes it 
And for the most part you don’t have to worry about sexual harassment, unless you don’t like it. I’m honest, I’m loyal, and given a chance I will succeed.
Skills: I can blow spit bubbles off of my tongue. Drink a beer from my breasts. Quote Space Balls, and other movies. Type 65wpm, have ample knowledge of most operating systems and I can network. People tend to like me.
Education: I’m smart, but not educated. I tried college but it was just like high school with ashtrays, and well I smoke. Very distracting indeed. I love to read. I can bullshit given the required amount of time to google and find out a few facts. As far as math goes, fuck math. That is why we have calculators.
Summary: I’m awesome, HIRE ME.
